It was in the summer of 2009, I had exerienced my fifth miscarriage and I was done with the pregnancies, I was fed up with it. But still, I didn't feel like I was suffering from it. It was sad, and there were feelings of grief I had to go through, but at no time I felt suffering. Buddha was defenitely right, there is no need to suffer. At least you don't have to suffer from a miscarriage, that is what I know for sure!
On this beautiful sunny morning, I was in my garden and turned my head to the warm sun. I inhailed, exhailed, and enjoyed the feelings of summer to the fullest. Then it happened. Suddenly, with my eyes closed I could clearly see it, everything is connected to each other, from the most distant star in the Universe to the grass I was standing on. I sensed it, I SAW it. I FELT the flowers that were 3 feet away from me, I felt and saw everything was part of this energy that radiates nothing but light, love, life, whatever you want to call it, and there was absolutely no time ticking...a timeless space. Then I realised:"This is it, this is it, ..this is it...!" And then my mind tried to understand it and of course, that was the end of this amazing experience.
Looking back on it, I truly believe I experienced the ultimate state of enlightenment, Walhalla, Heaven. It was marvellous, it was very profound. I found my Mental Grail!
Now, as soon as my thoughtprocessor kicked in, the experience ended.
Jill Bolte Tailor, a neuroscientist who experienced a major stroke in her left hemisphere, discribed a similar experience she had when her left hemisphere shut down because of this stroke.
I allready had a feeling that my thoughtprocessor had something to do with my left hemisphere, Jill Bolte Tailor came to the same conclusion.
Later, I also found stories from people who had a near death experience and having the same experience as I had in my backgarden. Now I didn't see any tunnels or deceised relatives, but I did experience a lightness, warmth, calmness you don't want to leave.
I am very gratefull that I had a chance to see and feel what I call heaven and understand more of the true nature of this Universe, from the smallest ant to the largest galaxy...I am such a lucky girl!
vrijdag 25 februari 2011
maandag 14 februari 2011
Eckhart Tolle explains
Eckhart Tolle has suffered from depression. In both his book and the webcast with Oprah he told about the day he was thinking about committing suicide. He heard himself say:"I can no longer live with myself"...and he started thinking about what that ment. Eckhart concluded that when HE could no longer live with HIMSELF, there had to be two identities inside of him...one of them had to be FALSE!
When I heard Eckhart tell that I immediately recognised it! While bleeding out on my bed during the miscarriage, I heard MY voice telling MYSELF that it had to shut up, not to make panic, but only to bring up the thoughts that would be relevant for the next hour. After hearing Eckhart Tolle speak about his experience I knew that the voice I had heard was really me, the thought-processing mind was just my computer who needed to make all sorts of calculations to help me function in this life. But instead of doing it's job it had tried to take over and drag me into a panic.
I saw all ten episodes of Eckhart Tolle and Oprah's webcast, over and over again. Eckhart explained his theory about how the mind works and I concluded that his explanation came very close to my experience. So I started to look at myself as a person with a true self (me, the soul) and a false one (this thought processing computer in my brain that wants to take over now and then). So everytime I found myself in a stressfull situation I tried to become as aware as I could of the fact that the stress, anxiety, anger, etc., I was feeling was coming from the false me, and that I could turn the false calculation off with the visualisation I discovered in the RET method.
I also understood what Eckhart ment by living in the moment. You get distressed if you let your mind calculate on events that are too far in history or in the future.
I turned out that I was going to experience 4 more miscarriages, and everytime I tried to use these experiences as a lesson in managing my thoughtprocessor, my mind.
And I learned how to be in the moment more and more, every day...relaxed, calm, content, with an huge inner smile...and an extraordinary experience was about to come...
When I heard Eckhart tell that I immediately recognised it! While bleeding out on my bed during the miscarriage, I heard MY voice telling MYSELF that it had to shut up, not to make panic, but only to bring up the thoughts that would be relevant for the next hour. After hearing Eckhart Tolle speak about his experience I knew that the voice I had heard was really me, the thought-processing mind was just my computer who needed to make all sorts of calculations to help me function in this life. But instead of doing it's job it had tried to take over and drag me into a panic.
I saw all ten episodes of Eckhart Tolle and Oprah's webcast, over and over again. Eckhart explained his theory about how the mind works and I concluded that his explanation came very close to my experience. So I started to look at myself as a person with a true self (me, the soul) and a false one (this thought processing computer in my brain that wants to take over now and then). So everytime I found myself in a stressfull situation I tried to become as aware as I could of the fact that the stress, anxiety, anger, etc., I was feeling was coming from the false me, and that I could turn the false calculation off with the visualisation I discovered in the RET method.
I also understood what Eckhart ment by living in the moment. You get distressed if you let your mind calculate on events that are too far in history or in the future.
I turned out that I was going to experience 4 more miscarriages, and everytime I tried to use these experiences as a lesson in managing my thoughtprocessor, my mind.
And I learned how to be in the moment more and more, every day...relaxed, calm, content, with an huge inner smile...and an extraordinary experience was about to come...
dinsdag 8 februari 2011
You can control your mind
Now, my Quest for the Mental Grail had begun. I wanted to know how the mind works and what exactly I had experienced during that lousy miscarriage...I was about to discover a lot of interesting things!
In 2005 I had already come accross a method called Rational Emotive Therapy, used by psychologists to teach people how to regain controll over their own thoughts.
The psychologist who tought me this method explained to me how you could alter your thoughts from distressing ones to more real ones that wouldn't give much stress.
This method works in seven steps, but for me the most important one turned out to be the visualisation step; visualise the stressfull situation you're in while you're feeling completely at ease, calm and content, whatever the situation may be. I could do that very well, I have a lot of imagination so I could imagine myself being calm, even happy, in the most difficult situations.
This visualisation tool helped me get rid of stress before entering a stressfull situation, both small and big, I visualised myself calm and when the situation arrived...I was pretty calm! And content...WOW!
This RET-method had lead me closer to a calmed mind, but it hadn't brought me to the place where I was during that miscarriage...so what was that place then?
I started with Oprah Winfrey, because she had frequently interviewed people like Deepak Chopra, wise people. When I heard them speak I knew it had to make sense but I didn't get it at all! Despite that, I decided to start with Oprah. And because coincidence doesn't exist I stumbled across her webcast project with Eckhart Tolle.
Eckhart Tolle is a german spiritual teacher who lives in the US, and claims to be 'living in the moment' almost 100% of the time...he has written a book called A New Earth and Oprah and he were about to start a webcast project in which Eckhart Tolle would explain what the book was about and what, in his vision, the mind was about. That I wanted to see!
In 2005 I had already come accross a method called Rational Emotive Therapy, used by psychologists to teach people how to regain controll over their own thoughts.
The psychologist who tought me this method explained to me how you could alter your thoughts from distressing ones to more real ones that wouldn't give much stress.
This method works in seven steps, but for me the most important one turned out to be the visualisation step; visualise the stressfull situation you're in while you're feeling completely at ease, calm and content, whatever the situation may be. I could do that very well, I have a lot of imagination so I could imagine myself being calm, even happy, in the most difficult situations.
This visualisation tool helped me get rid of stress before entering a stressfull situation, both small and big, I visualised myself calm and when the situation arrived...I was pretty calm! And content...WOW!
This RET-method had lead me closer to a calmed mind, but it hadn't brought me to the place where I was during that miscarriage...so what was that place then?
I started with Oprah Winfrey, because she had frequently interviewed people like Deepak Chopra, wise people. When I heard them speak I knew it had to make sense but I didn't get it at all! Despite that, I decided to start with Oprah. And because coincidence doesn't exist I stumbled across her webcast project with Eckhart Tolle.
Eckhart Tolle is a german spiritual teacher who lives in the US, and claims to be 'living in the moment' almost 100% of the time...he has written a book called A New Earth and Oprah and he were about to start a webcast project in which Eckhart Tolle would explain what the book was about and what, in his vision, the mind was about. That I wanted to see!
maandag 7 februari 2011
Buddha was right
It began in 2006, I was 11 weeks pregnant. While hiking with my husband and two friends I felt a mild but tensed pain in my lower belly. A couple of hours later I found out I was loosing blood.
Later, while laying in bed, I got my first contractions. I knew this pregnancy was over.
That night, a life changing experience began. Although there was sadness about this miscarriage I experienced a state of mind I had had before but never in a dreadfull moment like this.
During one of the contractions I was so excited that I had the opportunity to experience the miraculous mechanics of my body, how it started this 'abortion programm' automatically, I had nothing to do with it! The contractions gave me the feeling that my body knew exactly what to do.
During the night this feeling of wonder and awe stayed with me. I've always been interested in medical stuff so I wanted to be prepared when this tiny foetus would come out, I wanted to see it, I was very curious.
My husband brought me a plate and a small knife (not to cut this little one apart but maybe I would have to remove the membrane that surrounds it) and a photocamera.
I had contractions during the night but no blood loss at all.
The next morning the bleeding began, I had a lot of pain but it felt natural.
Then after several hours something changed, the contractions stopped and a heavy tensed pain took over. I knew instantly that this was not right, my body would not be able to abort this pregnancy.
My husband called our GP, and our docter concluded that everything was allright with me. My husband expressed his concern and eventually the GP told us to call back a couple of hours later if I was still in pain.
The moment this first phonecall ended, I felt my brain starting to panic. I knew this wasn't going like it should and our GP thought she could decide without taking a look at me whether I was doing allright or not...
There I was, in panic, I knew my body was not okay and our GP wouldn't check examine me...the panic was building up...
After only a couple of seconds I heard myself say to my other self: " This is not the way we're going to do this. We won't panic, you will only deal with the stuff that is important in the next hour." Then I heard myself tell my other self what stuff would be important the next hour. After that I was calm...
Now, about the miscarriage, eventually I went to the GP myself, the docter had no intentions to come and visit me. When the docter saw me bleeding she called a gynaecologist in the hospital to ask for advice. After this phone call I was send back home, still bleeding and with an intense pain. I was welcome at the hospital the next morning at 8 a.m....and when the gynaecologist examined me that next morning he put me in a bed, and several hours later I was in surgery.
After a couple of weeks a noticed that a lot of people were very surprised by the way I was handling this 'tragedy'. Many people told me they didn't understand how I could be in such a good mood after a miscarriage. Now, I was definitely grieving for the loss of this pregnancy but this grief did not affect all the things I enjoyed in my live. I enjoyed them as much as I did before the pregnancy!
Years before I had read a small book about Zen Buddhism. At that time I was a bit stressed, always thinking about everything, my mind never calmed down. My husband had told me that "I needed to think less"...so I went to the library to read a book about Zen, I thought it might help.
While readng that book I realised everithing it sead was right, I felt that, but I didn't understand anything of it. So I let it go...
Now, after this interesting experience with the miscarriage, I finally understood where Zen was pointing to: a state of mind in which YOU have the control over your mind, instead of your mind controlling you. And in that state of mind there is no suffering...halleluia!
Later, while laying in bed, I got my first contractions. I knew this pregnancy was over.
That night, a life changing experience began. Although there was sadness about this miscarriage I experienced a state of mind I had had before but never in a dreadfull moment like this.
During one of the contractions I was so excited that I had the opportunity to experience the miraculous mechanics of my body, how it started this 'abortion programm' automatically, I had nothing to do with it! The contractions gave me the feeling that my body knew exactly what to do.
During the night this feeling of wonder and awe stayed with me. I've always been interested in medical stuff so I wanted to be prepared when this tiny foetus would come out, I wanted to see it, I was very curious.
My husband brought me a plate and a small knife (not to cut this little one apart but maybe I would have to remove the membrane that surrounds it) and a photocamera.
I had contractions during the night but no blood loss at all.
The next morning the bleeding began, I had a lot of pain but it felt natural.
Then after several hours something changed, the contractions stopped and a heavy tensed pain took over. I knew instantly that this was not right, my body would not be able to abort this pregnancy.
My husband called our GP, and our docter concluded that everything was allright with me. My husband expressed his concern and eventually the GP told us to call back a couple of hours later if I was still in pain.
The moment this first phonecall ended, I felt my brain starting to panic. I knew this wasn't going like it should and our GP thought she could decide without taking a look at me whether I was doing allright or not...
There I was, in panic, I knew my body was not okay and our GP wouldn't check examine me...the panic was building up...
After only a couple of seconds I heard myself say to my other self: " This is not the way we're going to do this. We won't panic, you will only deal with the stuff that is important in the next hour." Then I heard myself tell my other self what stuff would be important the next hour. After that I was calm...
Now, about the miscarriage, eventually I went to the GP myself, the docter had no intentions to come and visit me. When the docter saw me bleeding she called a gynaecologist in the hospital to ask for advice. After this phone call I was send back home, still bleeding and with an intense pain. I was welcome at the hospital the next morning at 8 a.m....and when the gynaecologist examined me that next morning he put me in a bed, and several hours later I was in surgery.
After a couple of weeks a noticed that a lot of people were very surprised by the way I was handling this 'tragedy'. Many people told me they didn't understand how I could be in such a good mood after a miscarriage. Now, I was definitely grieving for the loss of this pregnancy but this grief did not affect all the things I enjoyed in my live. I enjoyed them as much as I did before the pregnancy!
Years before I had read a small book about Zen Buddhism. At that time I was a bit stressed, always thinking about everything, my mind never calmed down. My husband had told me that "I needed to think less"...so I went to the library to read a book about Zen, I thought it might help.
While readng that book I realised everithing it sead was right, I felt that, but I didn't understand anything of it. So I let it go...
Now, after this interesting experience with the miscarriage, I finally understood where Zen was pointing to: a state of mind in which YOU have the control over your mind, instead of your mind controlling you. And in that state of mind there is no suffering...halleluia!
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